I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
