My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I puked a lego.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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