I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
