My hand turned me down
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
