Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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