The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
