i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
