My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
