My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
farters have to be the big spoon...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
