I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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