One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
