He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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