I just pynch a tree in the face
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
