I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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