shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
