Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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