Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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