There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
