I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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