nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can you bring me the toilet please
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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