eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
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I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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