dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
