i jhust puked up my retainher.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That accounts for only three of the penises
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
