Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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