if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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