Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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