In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
