the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
