If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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