Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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