dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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