after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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