I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
