you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
