Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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