I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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