I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
