i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
