I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
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Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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