She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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