tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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