If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
