Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
