So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
