Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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