Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
