my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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