the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
