i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
