Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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