how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
