i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
