just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
