so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
