All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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