Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
