I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
