you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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