She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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